Through the looking glass

I flopped down on an overstuffed pillow and exhaled deeply. The thin flames on the lamps danced as if a tiny breeze had stolen into the modest room. Born in summer the flames often responded to my mental or emotional state. Something had been teasing the edges of my mind, but with the pack so busy I had not taken the moment required to settle the question. Yet quiet moments brought to mind the face of another lovely serpent, and a pestering question of why. I sat up and began to undo the buckles of the simple black and red leather armor. It was armor meant for the field, and the same suite that I had started off with over 3 years ago. I couldn't help but smirked. It was hardly fitting for the second in command of the nest, but it suited me just fine. If someone didn't notice the ear cuff marking my position, I really didn't mind. Out of the leather and into a dancer's outfit. Green and beaded to look like scales, it was one of my favorites, a gift from my brother in more peaceful times. Aisha was busy with politics, after all the war had ended. Besides, this didn't necessarily change anything. If it did I would speak with her later. Deeply stretching I arched my back and sighed as I let my real scales slide over my skin and disappear. I sat at the desk with a mirror on the wall in front of me. It was almost too formal for calling Kavi, but I didn't know if I needed to speak with her yet. Probably. Pity really we couldn't have met under different circumstances. It had been a little over a month here but in Arcadia, well it would barely be a week. I undid my typical braid and began to brush out my hair, careful not to snag the steal ring woven in at the nape of my neck. Damn I miss Aidan, but a serpent's gotta do what he's gotta do. Sigh. I swept the long silken mass of hair over my left shoulder to bear my right ear. The ear cuff, a singular steal serpent with emerald eyes, seemed to also look in the mirror. Damn, it kinda felt like I was waving it in their faces, but this was official business in a manner of speaking. I technically shouldn't be calling Kavi up to talk about his student, especially when she was punished to be marked as an outcast. Honestly, I should be doing my best to forget she existed. No, and the candles flared slightly with the mental declaration, I needed to know the answer. My scales told me it was important. I waved my hand began to enact the gift that would call Kavi. "Kavi," followed by serpentine, "you're not doing anything embarrassing are you?"

I was dead dog tired and yet still I lay awake. Pressed between the bodies of my two lovers, I should have rested, content within the land of slumber and sands, yet still I was in turmoil.

It was not confusion and unease over either of them, for I had come to terms with it now, stopped arguing how it could possibly be that I was so irrevocably in love with not one, but two powerful, sensual, amazing men. There were moments where I wondered how I was worthy to inspire such loyalty, such devotion from them, especially considering all of my flaws, my mistakes, some more devastating then others. Yet this was not one of those moments either. So it was that using every ounce of skill I had learned , I slipped from the bed. Partially due to my stealth, partially due to their own weariness, I was able to slip free without waking either of them. Looking back at them laying there, their bodies even now laying protectively around the heated space where my body had been until moments ago, I reached out to the water sitting not too far from my position.

Slow sip. Then another. Letting the refreshing liquid trickle down my still parched throat. The memories came back then, hitting with the lack of mercy that was the norm. The gathering of the army. The battle itself. The cleansing rain that had been anything but natural. Each having their own part to play, none greater than the other in the scale. For without each action, no matter how minute, the outcome could have went far differently. The worst I think out of all of it, selfish as it made me was the loss of Eneko. Even now the panic welled up in my throat, causing it to constrict around the water sliding down it until I nearly choked. Eyes closed and I forced myself to calm. They needed their rest. I would not deprive them of that by my childish, womanly fears getting the better of me. He was here. I was sure of it. If his return from death had been merely a dream, I do not believe that Kavi or myself would be here either. We were linked the three of us, beyond the piece of jewelry that we each wore. Even now my fingers searched out, found my portion of the amulet that rested, a cool, light reminder between my breasts. I needed clothing. Armor. Then I would get air and hopefully return before either of them woke.

It was as my fingers were reaching out for garments with which to cover myself when I heard the voice coming from the mirror. Feminine. Definitely familiar enough to have my body going tense with wariness. While I did not understand every word of it, I knew she sought Kavi and I would be damned if he was awoken before he was good and ready. Not even thinking of the scales which had been marked upon my flesh as a memorial, nor the marking upon my chest which had become something of permanency in the time since she had last seen me, I stood between the mirror and the bed, my spine razor straight, garnet eyes showing a cool, controlled acknowledgement.

"I will assume that it is Kavi with whom you wish to speak. Unless it is a matter of life or death importance, I will tell him that you wish to speak with him and have him seek you out once he wakes. I will NOT have him nor Eneko disturbed otherwise. Their rest is of too much importance."

Cereass, felt the warmth of her demeanor shift to the cold snake poised to strike and blinked once in that painfully slow blink of the serpent. I could tell the tiny flames around the room were no longer so wavering, but suddenly doubled in intensity for a small moment. Close the eyes exhale the anger, open them slowly and the flames receded to a more natural level. Though her hairbrush stopped mid-stroke. Her left eyebrow raised only for a moment as concern flooded her face. "I did not mean to interrupt." Cereass started in a calm voice, "I was actually hoping to speak with you El, but now I have to ask if Kavi is alright?" She met El's razor sharp gaze with one that was steady and nearly cold in it's calm, but no less piercing. After all, regardless of the reason, an outcast had just posed an authoritative stance. Even as Cereass did not like posturing, she was good at it, and would let it be known as Second I am the the nest, we are one in the River Mother's grace. Concern was there but so was the hand of punishment. Mental note: to self speak to Kavi about his student's temper.

Stubbornness. The head held high unwillingness to bow before the other woman, even if in the culture I had been cast out of, she did hold higher station of a sort. It was not pride so much as bowing to someone, admitting the subservience of a lower station meant the guard dropped. Perhaps another time, another place it could have happened, but this was not it. The shift of demeanor was noticed, though taken away to be dissected at another time. The brilliant flaring of the flames was impressive, but not enough to strike fear, nor obedience into my heart. What it did give was an even more heightened sense of caution. A begrudging sense of respect, even as small as the action may be. Realizing that my own words had likely come across far differently than I had intended them, for reasons that did not need to be taken into account right now, I did hope that the concern she seemed to show was sincere.

"The time has been harsh, as of late. Between the conflict of the prior day as well as the singing of the lost back to whence they came, I believe he merely exhausted himself."

It was surprisingly hard not to say more. To not speak of the fears I had held for both of the men who lay sleeping nearby. But this other woman was not Magda. Nor Demi...Or even Lyss in one of those few moments where we actually spoke as sister's should of the troubles we had. Or to not speak of how valiantly they had both fought. Then to hear their voices rising together as the lost were sung back to the circle... Eyes did close then, armor and clothing foregone for the simple drape of a cloak over my nudity. When it had been slung in place, eyes would open again. One last look was given at the bed before I moved closer to the mirror, my voice dropping a few octaves more. When my gaze turned back to hers, it was still wary, but somehow less harsh. As if the simple look at my sleeping counterparts had softened something, however slight or brief lasting it may be.

"You were not interrupting anything save for my pacing about. Sleep was illusive, so you merely caught me dressing to step out that I might not wake them. Yet being as it was myself that you apparently contacted us to speak with, what say you ?"

A good part of the tension seeped from Cereass's shoulders, a slight nod of the head. Just exhausted, that brought relief. Though I suppose Cova would have known if something had happened to Kavi. She would not give easy to posturing and honestly Cereass had not meant to call up the mirror to create a fight. If this conversation was going to be of any benefit it needed to take a different path. This one is stubborn. That fit what information I had gleaned, and you had to be at minimum little stubborn to be friends with Kavi. "Good," as Cereass leaned back into her chair and flipped the mass of hair over her shoulder, "First off, I meant this to be a bit more informal." Cereass relaxes, not to lounging but more natural. Her deep garnet eyes warm but the intensity remains. "I have a question that has been persistently coiling in the back of my mind. It's usually polite to speak with one's teacher prior to speaking with a student, but Kavi's not prone to follow rules if he can help it." Despite herself Cereass smirked at the countless times Kavi had thrown the rules to the wind, for reason varying from the greater good to whim. "What I need to know," she leaned forward slightly in her chair, "Why is it when Kavi went into the umbra, and you needed to follow that you did not come to the nest? Why did you not seek one of your nagah brothers or sisters to check on him?" Cereass let the words come slow and hang comfortably in the air, it was not a question she wanted a rushed answer from. Only the intensity in her eyes portrayed the weight of the question and the curiosity brought by not understanding.

It would be -THAT- question that the woman would ask me. There were so many reasons, but none that even now seemed valid enough to be given. Yet her curiosity seemed sincere, and intriguingly enough not angry. Appearances could be deceptive though. For a long span of moments, I remained silent, trying to piece together something that sounded valid. Before I finally spoke, another glance was cast back at the bed. Honesty. That would be what I would give her. It may sound like a plethora of excuses, but it was what it was.

"There isn't any reason good enough, no logic valid to be able to be excuse the life's I cost to be taken. I know this now. At the time though I was blinded by fear. So much was happening, had happened. I know now that I should have let him have the time to cool off. Should have had the faith that he'd come back to me. Sadly, love does not always allow one to have clear judgement. I was afraid that if I went to the nest, to his friends, that they would judge me. That more like than not, they would laugh at me. Tell me that I was being foolish, or worse yet that I did not deserve him. I don't you know. Those life's that were lost, surely they were people who were important to him as well."

I looked away then. Trying to find words that rather than anger her would help her to understand. I didn't know any, for were I in her shoes, I would not have the patience that she seemed to be showing. The calmness to not have me simply killed for what I in my selfishness had taken from her.

"Truthfully, the only answer I can give you is fear of the unknown. Terror that they would not help me, and that if I didn't go after him...If I didn't find some way that he would think he didn't matter enough to me."

She listened with a calm expression. Cereass managed to hold it through the stab of loss at the mention of lives lost and her guilt for making El go through the knots of emotion again. The calm expression, and calm fire on the lamps remained even when she wanted to flinch at her reference to the nest, his friends. The young serpent reflected through the looking glass had actually admitted she had been afraid of their reaction, that they would judge her, that they would refuse to help. It had matched with what she had gathered from the nest. The questioning of so many of the nest. The question answered almost identically by so many, I never really spoke to her, no I can't think of anyone other than Kavi and Cova who really knew her. Cereass shifted slightly in her chair when El ended her answer. "Thank you for your honesty, " Cereass started, "I know that was not an easy question to answer." Her hands began to move as she spoke, as if she were gesturing with her words, in truth it was serpentine hand, "Acknowledge if you see this." Out loud she continue. " You mentioned that the nest was his friends. You were a member of the nest. Aisha, the Wanni, and the spirits approved that you should be apart of it. I am curious was there a reason you didn't explore the experience more thoroughly, expand your friendships, training partner, even information contacts?" She had signaled for acknowledgment 3 times in that short questioning. Now she would have to wait to see what the answers were.

"Life is not meant to be easy. If it were, what would the worth in it be ? Are the things, the people we value most not in part as valued because they were fought for ? Are fought for everyday ? As for the honesty... It is not always the answer one wishes for, nor in some circumstances the best to give, but I was raised to respect it."

Words were beginning to flow more easily from me to this woman, and the observation was not one that I was sure I was entirely comfortable with. When I finally looked to her again, it was with a slight frown. The signals were vaguely familiar. Not enough for me to be able to decipher them, but enough to know, or at least I thought, to recognize them as similar to those that Kavi and Cova had used on occasion during the year I'd spent in their tutelage. Ah, now there was this new line of questioning that was tied in with the first. She did make things complicated, didn't she. Another breath was taken, the frown easing it's way from my features as I shifted as well. She seemed truly appreciative of the honesty and while these were things that I hadn't discussed with anyone other then the workings of my own mind...If anyone deserved them, it was she.

"Member I may have been, I was never made to feel directly unwelcome, yet I never had the opportunity to spend much time among the nest, nor to make the acquaintances there much less the friends that the three of you have. With the way I was raised, I was used to far smaller groupings. far more intimate settings I suppose you might say. Could I have tried harder, made more of an effort with the brief time I had ? More than likely, yes. Given another opportunity, a time to make a second chance at that aspect of things from my past, I would have. Yet the past is the past. It is not meant to be dwelled upon, for it cannot be changed. It is meant to be learned from though. Thus mistakes avoided being remade, and any achievements we have made once, to be made again, with greater strength and effect."

Cereass was pleased with the way the conversation was flowing. El had established she was strong willed and yet was willing to meet on an even footing. The lovely young serpentine is definitely not one to take orders without reason, a virtue and a vice in one habit. Her demeanor reflected confidence and yet she was willing to look over past mistakes and own them. Cereass wanted to sigh, El was making progress but she would have to come to her own answers. Honestly, the Wanni could not have made a better selection of teachers. El had answered the verbal question but had not signaled or mentioned the hand signs. Come to think of it, El's greeting could be explained if she didn't understand Serpentine either. The incident was not a traitorous intent, that was for certain. El was a member, pending her punishment's completion, but she was missing something. It was something vital, and it could not be taught or simply shown. El was missing the experience of what a nagah nest was. I would mention it to Kavi and Cova, and if they were willing with El as well.

She wanted to ask about the now obvious scar where only a sigil should have shown, but not today. Cereass knew it was not something she could guarantee she could separate her emotions from her logic on. As a Kartikaya, Cereass was too familiar with the need to control her emotions as opposed to letting them have control of her. She had learned from El the main answers she needed for the now. "Well spoken, young one. If life was easy The Great River Mother would not have created us to be the instruments of her punishment. It is why we are her punishers and not only her assassins. You have given me the answers I asked for as well as you can. I would like to speak to Kavi sometime, but it can be when ever he would like. I'm sure he knows how. Were there any questions I could answer for you before I go?"

This conversation had went far from how I had expected to, though even now it seemed to be coming to a close. That was perhaps for the best as I knew if my warmth was gone from the bed for too long, one or both of my hearts would awaken, and more swiftly than I may have liked come searching for me, thus likely waking the other. If the other woman had contacted us this time to speak with me, there would be another, or there would not. Only time would tell. Also I had no wish for further conversation to give an opportunity for me to insert my tail into my mouth and fumble things even further. I had already made things difficult enough for Kavi among ou...His people and I held no desire to complicate them further. Weariness was finally a heavy press at my lids though my mind still spun with a thousand and one different questions I could ask her. Likely should, still I couldn't seem to pinpoint a single one of them long enough to actually vocalize it.

"All of us have darkness inside us, and at times it possesses and seduces us in ways we never thought possible. Gives us promises that if we give in to it, it'll make things better. I've not always done the right thing for the right reason, either. And I'm ashamed of some things I've done. We all are. Mistakes don't have to define us. They're how we learn and grow. They show us who and what we don't want to be. It's why they're mistakes."

Frowning at the quietly spoken words that had just left my lips, I wasn't quite sure where they had come from nor why I even spoke them now. She had asked if I had any questions for her, not for me to give a treatise on...Shaking my head, the slightest hint of a rueful smile tugged at the corner of my lips. Letting my body begin the turn away from the mirror, I let all masks, any sort of facade drop long enough for her momentarily to see the real woman within. The fear. The doubts. The strength. The love and loyalty I held towards the two sleeping men that was so strong that I would do anything within my power to protect them for whatever harm, no matter how large or small. As I turned towards her that last time, more a glance over my shoulder, there was last but not least, uncertainty. Though of what exactly it was, there was no mention.

"I will make sure to inform him of your request the moment he wakes. I cannot say for him when he will contact you again, though I doubt it will be too long of a wait. Likely long enough at least for him to scold me for not waking him immediately. As for questions...Many, yet not a single one that comes to my tongue at the very moment."

Cereass felt her breath catch for a moment as El turned away. The subtle play of emotions across her face could have easily been missed, but Cereass's trained eyes knew what they were reading. It is an unexpected gift to witness someone willingly offering a glimpse of their true selves and not the mask one confidently wears on a daily basis. "I hope we can speak again sometime El, " Cereass smiled the crooked smirk she usually saved for her closest friends. " Until then strike true, and may the River Mother guide your dream dances." Cereass felt Calls the Stars to Mourning's presence lean in, and for the briefest moment, Cereass felt herself let the Wanni's mind behind her gaze. As Cereass closed the mirror's reflection she knew for the briefest moment her intense garnet eyes had slipped over to the unfathomable depth of midnight blue. She could only suspect that the Wanni had wanted to gaze on the young Serpentine herself, even for such a brief moment.

The mirror only reflected herself and the room Cereass reached inward to speak with Mourning. I think she's doing rather welll. She leaned back in her chair, far more pleased with the conversation than she expected, and the uncertainty which had plagued her on this particular matter nearly gone as a new idea was formed in her mind. Cereass could not help but feel the warmth of Mourning's approval. Indeed she is.